Someone told me once: "Sara, I hope you don't get married just cause you're getting older and wanna start a family. I know you really want to get married. And when women get to your age they start to panic and just marry the first guy that comes along. I've seen my cousin do this and I wonder why she's with this dude who is so not for her. Make sure you get married for the right reason...love."
Hmmm...interesting advice: Don't get married just cause you're getting older and want to start a family. To me that's the same as saying: Don't get a job just cause you want to get paid. I mean, sometimes I think people get so caught up in the intangible they forget to be practical. Let me explain.
Your job has a fundamental purpose. You render your services in exchange for tangible monetary compensation. You use this tangible compensation to provide you and your family with the basics; food, shelter and clothing. And if the compensation is really good then you can throw in a recreational yatch complete with spinning rims. But there's more to it than just the monthly salary. You actually get satisfaction from doing your job. And you want to do it better and so you study more. Then you decide to pursue a career with a special leaning toward a unique talent and passion that you discovered you had while doing your job. And because you are so good at it you eventually get more tangible compensation than you even dreamed. But your true success is felt within. That intangible indescribable warm fuzzy feeling of pride and satisfaction when you finish a project or win a big case or press Copy and Paste.
So of course you should find a job you are passionate about. But don't forget the purpose of working in the first place! I mean if I waited until I found a job I was passionate about I'd be home...my parent's home...on my bum and broke! And not only broke, but I wouldn't have the experience necessary to get my dream job!!! In fact I wouldn't even know what my dream job looked like because in reality when you get your first job for most of us it's the beginning of a career. And every post opens our eyes to new things. It's a process to the top!
In a similar manner of course you should marry someone you love! But don't forget the purpose of marriage in the first place! I'm an engineer so I tend to look at things pretty logically and I think some people get too sentimental about this whole choosing a mate thing. So much so...that they never choose one!!! I mean we all understand that we should marry for love. We've watched enough romantic comedies to understand this. And since romantic comedies are a solid foundation to base major life decisions I am in no way advocating that we should just marry the first guy that comes along when we here that biological clock ticking like the alligator from Peter Pan!
But let's get practical about two things. Firstly there is the tangible or practical reason for getting married. Now for everyone one this tangible or practical benefit might be different but it exists. It may be partnership; someone to help around the house like I pick up after Hayden and he reahes the high things on the shelf. I think that's a fair trade! Or it may be companionship, sex, children, intimacy or all of the above. There are benefits to be had by hooking up with that special someone. My personal favorite is the s-benefit.
And secondly, what is love? Why do people think love is this event that's going to happen to them? Pow!!! Pop!!! Well what if Pow and Pop don't come till you're 106. You just threw all the practical benefits of marriage out the window. It's like having intangible job satisfaction without any monthly salary, no perks, no company car, no foreign training, no cocaine parties (Google Bernie Madoff), no retirement income. Just pure sweat. It's never happened before but somehow I've gotta sneaky suspicion that my job satisfaction would go way down if I didn't see that check come in on the 30th.
So what IS love? 1Cor13:4-8 Love is patient and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...
Sounds a lot to me like love is a whole lot of things that you do. It's more of an action than a thing. More of a process than an event. It's not so much a temporary state like happy, sad, mad, glad nor is it triggered by high hormone levels like lust. It's a summation of actions that you transmit to others through acts of kindness, sacrifice, selflessness and some serious touching. Hey! We talkin' marriage here!
You know I told my fiance a few weeks after we decided to get married: Hon, maybe we're rushing into things. We've been friends over 7 years now. But we only started dating under a year ago. His response: Rushing? I'm 34 years old and I wanna have some kids. You not so young yourself, hon. What age do you plan on having your first child? Now to us that's important. Cause we wanna have a couple of kid-free years first too. Oh the s-benefit is his favorite benefit too! Every couple is different. And every couple's priorities are different. I want four kids and i want to have the first before I'm 35 because it's adviseable medically. So timing is important for me.
My point is I think the person that was worried about women in their thirties and forties rushing to get married for practical reasons has a point...but a very small one. In that rushing to do something can limit the time you have to review all the data before hand to make your judgement. Like if BMW had a one day sale and you only had an hour to choose a car and you forgot to specify the colour so you ended up with the blue 3 series instead of the red one and you always regretted it....wait a min...regret?...you got a BMW...ON SALE!!! Who cares what colour it is!!! Man with the money you saved you can paint it red later if you wish! Unless you got a BMW motorcycle! And you didn't even know how to ride one. And then you had to spend money and time to take lessons to learn how to drive it. Then when you finally could use it it always messed up your hair. And you'd reached to work with helmet head. Now that's a bad decision! I mean it all depends on if you ended up compromising on colour or class. You know what I mean?
Anyways I'm not an expert. So I can't tell you how to find a guy or gal to marry. How to fall "in love" with the "right" guy or gal and all that jazzes. But what I do know is that marriage is really a practical partnership. And that I put more trust in love the action than love the emotion anyday. Falling in love sounds great if you live in a romantic comedy. But all that pow and pop with no common vision, commitment, sacrifice and love in action...who knows what happens after 90mins and the credits roll.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
The battlefield
In the epistle of Paul to the Philippians he said Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things.
Paul knew that the road to inner peace and true joy begins with positive thoughts. The concept is really simple but its application proves a bit difficult in day-to-day life.
Ask yourself: On my drive home from work what do I think of? Do you think about how you quoted the wrong figures in the meeting or do secretly pat yourself on the back for reaching to work on time?
Having a healthy self-image starts with focusing on the best aspects of yourself and your actions. In both the old and the new testament we see the words love your neighbor as yourself. For this advice to have the desired impact it presumes that one already has a healthy love for oneself.
You can start off small by thinking at the beginning of each day what great things you plan to accomplish. It can be as simple as smiling while walking to work or not gossiping about Moesha's bad weave. At the end of the day make sure you can find five things you were proud of doing. And then spend some time thinking about these things while you're bathing or cooking.
Some things are going to take time for you to do consistently, like listening to your mate talk to you about his/her job without acting disinterested. Constant improvement is the goal. You can set your goals in the morning based on your performance on the previous day.
As you start practicing focusing on the good stuff you've done everyday, you can then start to do the same for others.
More often than not it is thoughts about our relationships that surface to our consciousness during our spare time. The people we interact with that are not meeting our expectations or desires; the child that doesn't pick up their clothes, the gossiping co-worker, the mate that doesn't mow the lawn on time or the mate that goes out with friends too much. We harp on these things that bother or hurt us the most. But harping is not helping.
Instead, just as you have learnt that you are not perfect, you need to accept the fact that others around you aren't either. So why not direct your thoughts toward the fact that the untidy child is generally well-behaved and how good Mr/Ms Talk-a-lot looked yesterday? And yeah your mate does annoying things, but the pay-check comes in on time, they wash your car for you without you asking and they always put the lid down.
A lot of times we think Yeah, but when are they going to change? Well, maybe the question is When are you going to change and accept them for who they are and how they are?
We have a choice to think about the things that stir up emotions of resentment, disappointment or shame. Or we can choose to dwell on the aspects of our lives and our relationships that nurture endearing feelings toward ourselves and others. You may say Well, there isn't much good about myself or my mate or my coworker that I can think about. But going back to Philippians 4:8 it says if there is ANY virtue...ANYTHING praiseworthy?!! Surely you can find ONE good thing, no matter how small. And the more you practice looking for the good things, the more good things you'll find. You'll become an excellent hunter-gatherer of good thoughts.
Because really and truly the battlefield is in your mind. And you are in control of what direction your mind goes.
Paul knew that the road to inner peace and true joy begins with positive thoughts. The concept is really simple but its application proves a bit difficult in day-to-day life.
Ask yourself: On my drive home from work what do I think of? Do you think about how you quoted the wrong figures in the meeting or do secretly pat yourself on the back for reaching to work on time?
Having a healthy self-image starts with focusing on the best aspects of yourself and your actions. In both the old and the new testament we see the words love your neighbor as yourself. For this advice to have the desired impact it presumes that one already has a healthy love for oneself.
You can start off small by thinking at the beginning of each day what great things you plan to accomplish. It can be as simple as smiling while walking to work or not gossiping about Moesha's bad weave. At the end of the day make sure you can find five things you were proud of doing. And then spend some time thinking about these things while you're bathing or cooking.
Some things are going to take time for you to do consistently, like listening to your mate talk to you about his/her job without acting disinterested. Constant improvement is the goal. You can set your goals in the morning based on your performance on the previous day.
As you start practicing focusing on the good stuff you've done everyday, you can then start to do the same for others.
More often than not it is thoughts about our relationships that surface to our consciousness during our spare time. The people we interact with that are not meeting our expectations or desires; the child that doesn't pick up their clothes, the gossiping co-worker, the mate that doesn't mow the lawn on time or the mate that goes out with friends too much. We harp on these things that bother or hurt us the most. But harping is not helping.
Instead, just as you have learnt that you are not perfect, you need to accept the fact that others around you aren't either. So why not direct your thoughts toward the fact that the untidy child is generally well-behaved and how good Mr/Ms Talk-a-lot looked yesterday? And yeah your mate does annoying things, but the pay-check comes in on time, they wash your car for you without you asking and they always put the lid down.
A lot of times we think Yeah, but when are they going to change? Well, maybe the question is When are you going to change and accept them for who they are and how they are?
We have a choice to think about the things that stir up emotions of resentment, disappointment or shame. Or we can choose to dwell on the aspects of our lives and our relationships that nurture endearing feelings toward ourselves and others. You may say Well, there isn't much good about myself or my mate or my coworker that I can think about. But going back to Philippians 4:8 it says if there is ANY virtue...ANYTHING praiseworthy?!! Surely you can find ONE good thing, no matter how small. And the more you practice looking for the good things, the more good things you'll find. You'll become an excellent hunter-gatherer of good thoughts.
Because really and truly the battlefield is in your mind. And you are in control of what direction your mind goes.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
LETTING GO
Step 1: Press Delete
A lot of what keeps us back in life is our inability to forgive. Even when we tell ourselves to move on certain negative occurrences in the past still occupy much of our thought-lives, replaying over and over in our minds causing regret, resentment, anger and even hate to build up inside us.
So how do you begin to develop the ability to forgive? Like everything else practice makes perfect! Since the art of forgiveness involves letting go, begin with something small like emptying your email INBOX, SENT BOX and FACEBOOK messages!!! I know, this sounds too insignificant a change.
But you are a complex being. Your life has many layers. Your spirit, your mind, your body. And these interact with a spiritual, social and societal network. You have a neural network, emotions, hormones and physical sensation which drive desires and dreams.
So when you woke up 3 years ago and decided, "I'm going to be a more forgiving person!" with the most optimistic smile on your face and to this day you still get a twitch when you think about that time your brother lit your hair on fire or you feel your blood boil when you remember Ed still owes you 50 bucks and you nearly crashed into the car in front of you when you got a flash-back of your old boyfriend, you realize "Oh! It's not that easy!"
No, change is never easy. But you have to start somewhere. And the key to making a big change in your life is to start by making little changes. Your behaviors may change and adapt depending on your setting and environment but they are driven by your same underlying values, principles and goals.
You may not want to delete a hurtful email thread cause you want to remember why you keep a certain individual at bay. Or you don't want to delete a love letter your old boyfriend gave you cause it brings the brightest smile to your face. Or you wrote the coolest email ever and you just can't delete that!!!
Whatever the reason, you are holding on to something for way too long and placing over-significance on little things. (I'm not saying don't stop and smell the roses people.) But you have your memories and emotions to remind you why someone is your close friend, acquaintance or enemy. In the same way you must clean your room, throw out old boxes and throw out bills of both good and bad purchases you can practice the art of cleaning up in other facets of your life.
Habits are contagious! If you start practicing letting go, stop taking yourself so seriously and moving on in the little areas in your life, like starting with your various and sundry inboxes and outboxes, it will definitely transfer to other areas of your life and give you the tools within to move on when true challenges come your way!
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